THE HUNT FOR BROWN OCTOBER.

Bodily fluids. If you're coming into the ER, the likelihood is that we're going to be dealing with some of yours - that's just the way it goes. Everybody has those that they hate more, like less, whatever you want to call it. If you're working in the hospital, you're not that sensitive.

My order of preference? I'll take poop over vomit. That's just me - so I guess I was asking for it in the long run. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t enjoy poop. It's not as if its a One Doctor One Cup scenario, but if I'm forced to choose, I'm Team Mr. Hankey.

One night in the ED, I had the pleasure of taking care of the sweetest old lady in the world. The poor woman had been in and out of the hospital frequently over the last several weeks, but she still made sure to take care of herself. She had a fresh manicure, a new perm, and she had contoured that makeup like she was an Instagram “influencer”. Battling a recent diagnosis of cancer that left her in terrible pain, she was on a high dose of opiate painkillers. And hey - do you know what side effect they have? Constipation. And tonight, it was a constipation to end all constipations. If you’re worried about what comes next, brace yourselves - I played the role of hero. A hero in a brown cape. Captain Poo Patrol.

It's called a disimpaction. It's not the most glamorous thing that we do, but life in the emergency department is not all double rainbows and kittens. Sometimes you have to get your hands dirty... your (hopefully) double gloved hands.

A typical rectal exam consists of one finger. You just gotta ease that bad boy in there with plenty of lube and some comforting phrases that you definitely don’t believe yourself. “It won’t be that bad” said the guy who has never had a rectal exam. Most people have both emotional and physical discomfort with this procedure... Not my cute old lady.

Dr. Z: Well, I can certainly see why you haven't been able to go to the bathroom. There's a very large, hard ball of stool down here that's acting as an obstruction.
Lady: You've already started?

Game on.

As I began to form the world's worst triple scoop waffle cone, the conversation became ever more interesting.

Lady: Oh yes. Oh… yes. OH yes.
Dr. Z: Are you ok?
Lady: That's the spot. That. Is. The. Spot. Oh yes, that's it right there. Oh my god yes!
Dr. Z: Ma'am… should I stop?
Lady: Am I pooping? Oh my god I’m pooping! Oh yes, this is working. You are amazing! Please keep going!

Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been in an emergency department before, but this ain’t no episode of House. These are not luxurious 300 square foot rooms enclosed with soundproof glass doors. The rooms are semi private at best, with curtains acting as glorified walls.

At the end of the day, I learned a couple of things. One, emerg staff really do care about their patients, and will fly into a room at Mach 3 if they think a constipated geriatric woman is being sexually assaulted. Two, it really is possible to sound like you’re having sex while taking a really good shit.

No cap, yo.