THAT'S THE SPOT

Bodily fluids. If you're coming into the ER, the likelihood is that we're going to be dealing with some of yours - that's just the way it goes. Everybody has those fluids that they hate more, like less, whatever you want to call it. If you're working in the hospital, you're not that sensitive.

My order of preference? I'll take brown over green, poop over vomit. That's just me - so I guess I was asking for it. It's not as if its a One Doctor One Cup scenario, but if I'm forced to choose, I'm Team Mr. Hanky.

One night in the ED, I had the pleasure of taking care of the sweetest old lady in the world - 85 years old, and approximately 75% hairspray by volume. The poor thing had been through so much, but she still made sure to take care of herself. She had a fresh manicure, a new perm, and I know she meant for the best when she layered on her 9 coats of makeup that day. Fighting a recent diagnosis of cancer that left her in terrible pain, she was on a high dose of opiate painkillers. And hey - do you know what side effect they have? Constipation. Horrendous constipation. And tonight, it was a constipation that would have conquered the world. Don't worry, though - I played the role of hero. A hero in a brown cape.

It's called a disimpaction. It's not the most glamorous thing that we do, but its not all double rainbows and kittens. Sometimes you have to get your hands dirty... Your double gloved hands.

A typical rectal exam consists of one finger. Most people have trouble with this... Not my cute old lady. I got started.

Dr. Z: Well, I can certainly see why you haven't been able to go to the bathroom. There's a very large ball of stool down here that's acting as an obstruction, backing everything up. I'm going to try to solve this for you...
BlueHairLady: You've already started?

Game. On. Two finger MacGruber, in action.

As I began to form the world's worst triple scoop waffle cone, the conversation became ever more interesting.

BlueHairLady: Oh, yes. Oh, yes!
Dr. Z: Are you ok?
BlueHairLady: That's the spot. Oh yes that's it right there. Oh my god, yes.
Dr. Z: Ma'am? Should I stop?
BlueHairLady: Am I pooping? Oh my god, am I pooping? Oh, yes this is working. It feels so good. Don't stop, don't stop. Please, don't stop. YES!

As I had a chaperone in the room, I didn't really have to worry about what the people outside of the room were thinking. That fact didn't make it any easier to keep a straight face, though. It took everything that I had to keep from falling over backwards in a fit of laughter. By the time I had finished, I half expected to look up and see her smoking a cigarette - nope. She didn't seem embarrassed at all - this was all perfectly normal for her.

And, since this is my life, I guess this was perfectly normal for me as well. Satisfying women around the world, one rectal exam at a time.