FLOATING IN A PUDDLE OF INCOMPETENCE

Kids are stupid.

Back when times were awesome, you would get married at 13 years old, and start to play the "let's have sex" game way earlier than is now socially acceptable. It seems that today, even though we're waiting longer to have sex, we're not much better at it. Add in all of the 'extras' that we now have, and there exists a greater opportunity for things to go wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.

Working a relatively slow overnight shift, everyone nearly lost their minds when one of the interns said, "Wow, it's been 9 hours and we haven't had a single vaginal complaint yet!" You don't talk about a no hitter during a no hitter. Everybody knows this, except when somebody doesn't know this. Sure enough, the floodgates opened, and all of the city's itchy and smelly females decided to come into the hospital at the same time. My encounter that night was particularly awful.

I walked into the room of an 18 year old female, and the moment I opened the door, I took a step back. I never do this. My poker face is world famous, and that was the first time I ever showed my cards. This time was different; it was as if I had walked into an invisible wall of ungodly odor. I regrouped, walked through the door again, and did the only thing possible to make it through the encounter - I started breathing through my mouth. Surprisingly, the patient I encountered was a pleasant female, 18 years old, and seemed pretty normal. What was even MORE surprising was the fact that her boyfriend was sitting in a chair at her bedside, just relaxing and playing with his phone while being completely immersed in the most putrid odor known to man. Like he didn't notice a thing. If we had wallpaper in the ER, it would have been peeling 2 minutes after she got into the room. Nevertheless, Boyfriend of the Year sat at her side, loving her in all of her smelly glory.

Dr.Z: So what brings you into the emergency department today?
Princess Unclean (PU): I've been having a really weird discharge lately. It's been going on for about three weeks, but it's been getting a lot worse lately. I've had STDs before, but this doesn't look the same.
Dr.Z: Okay, that's no problem. Have you noticed any weird odor associated with your discharge?
PU: Not really. Kinda like a normal discharge smell.

Through no personal experience of my own, I've come to understand that you can't really appreciate your own smelliness. You truly need an outside presence to judge your smell. That explains her, but what about him? Also, I don't know what a normal discharge smell is, and for that I thank every female that I have ever known.

Dr.Z: Let me ask you a few more questions. I take it that you're sexually active?
PU: Yes.
Dr.Z: And how many partners do you currently have?
PU: Just one, my boyfriend.
Dr.Z: Do you use protection?
PU: No, I don't like how condoms feel.
Dr.Z: Okay. Well let's do a physical examination and we'll see if that yields any more information.

At this point, it's full on spacesuit, ET level HazMat. I'm talking double gloves, face mask with splash shield, and a disposable gown. As I get into my pelvic examination, everything appears to be normal. Until I see it. I'm not sure what it is at first... but it's floating in there... floating on the surface of a sea of terrible infection... taunting me... just out of my grasp... and then I have it. But I don't know what I have. I turn it over, hold it close to my plastic shield, a lightbulb flickers, and then I know. It's a piece of condom, complete with reservoir tip. I'm like a vaginal Columbo.

Dr.Z: I thought you told me that you don't use condoms?
PU: I don't. Well, I don't use them anymore. The last time I used one was 6 months ago, with my old boyfriend.

And there it is. Not only has Boyfriend of the Year been putting up with the smell of the century - it doesn't even belong to him. Six months of this condom life raft surviving all alone in the Pelvic Ocean . It's the Tom Hanks of pelvic debris. Should I have gone back in and looked for a volleyball named Wilson? Meh, not my business. Besides, if there's anything else in there, we'll get it next time.

Saving lives. One pelvic exam at a time.