THINGS YOU DO THAT WE HATE.
HATE HATE HATE
You do a bunch of things that we hate, all the time. Most of the time you don't even know that you're doing it, but that doesn't make us hate you any less. Here are five things we all hate about you. Sometimes coming together for a common hatred is just as powerful as love. And more violent.
1. Stand outside your room and stare at us.
Really? What do you think that this accomplishes? I understand you've been waiting four hours, but that's because you came in for a runny nose and I have actual sick people that I'm caring for. You're the worst.
2. You're upset when you find out that nothing is wrong with you.
Really? Can I punch you in the face, immediately? I know it's disappointing to find out that your cough isn't life threatening pneumonia, but I'm not treating you on a World War II battlefield you mindless twit. Be happy that you're not sick. JUST BE HAPPY.
3. Never remember anything about yourself.
How do you not know your doctor's name? You're 50 - you see him more often than you see your kids. How can you forget which surgeries you've had? How is it possible that you can't remember if you're a diabetic, but you can remember that the game starts at 7 and you need to be discharged RIGHT NOW? Get bent.
4. Ask me for food. Over and over.
You're a real 'Richard.' How can you come to the ER complaining about abdominal pain and vomiting, and then rape me for hours with your, "when can I eat?????" I'm not here to serve you your damn food. Sometimes I think that I should be, though, because all of those godforsaken satisfaction surveys always come down to how often you were fed. "Yes, I had a cardiac arrest and the team of doctors, nurses, and techs did an incredible job bringing me back to life... But they didn't feed me until the next day. And the bathroom in my room smelled weird. 3/5 stars." I hate you.
5. You urinate on yourself.
I JUST SAW YOU WALK INTO YOUR ROOM. You just got up and walked to the vending machine. How is it that when a nurse doesn't immediately bring you a urinal or bedpan, you have to piss all over yourself. You deserve a huge snowjob. Other than the fact that its probably a little too cool in your room, and pissing yourself warms you up for a minute, there's no excuse. Peeing yourself does not make you Miles Davis.
I pretty much hate everyone. This will be a running column, obviously.