A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS.

Every day in the emergency department is an adventure. It’s a constant battle, waged on many fronts. Through the subtle heart attacks, strokes, and surgical abdomens, we must weed out the drug seekers and histrionics. Some days, however, the weeding out is a little easier than others.

One of the benefits of an electronic medical records (EMR) system is that we have access to a great deal of information before we even enter the room. In triage, the nurses obtain vital signs, a chief complaint, brief description of the problem, etc., and enter this information into the computer. We can even look at your previous visits, which is vital in assisting us with making our ultimate disposition. One of my favorite parts of the EMR, however, is the brief little blurb that tells us why you came into the hospital in the first place. Just a few words - but they can mean so much.

Although I’m unable to provide actual screenshots of the complaints, for obvious reasons, I can list them. And list them I will. Take a look for yourself, as I’ve provided just a small sampling of complaints - we get some of these on a daily basis. A little spice, if you will. Those of you that haven't worked in medicine will doubt that these are real - if you have any kind of experience within an ER, however, you know that these complaints are quite common. Here we go...

“Nasal congestion.”

“Possible maggots in vagina.”

“Fell backwards walking down steps.” Who the hell walks down steps backwards?

“Feels like my spine is swollen.”

“Exposure to rain.”

“Motor vehicle accident and vaginal discharge.” This lady was on a backboard with a rigid cervical collar in place after an accident on the highway, but still found the time to add vaginal discharge to her complaint list.

“Hit with volleyball.”

“Green string coming out of stomach.”

“Allergic to sweat.”

"My kitty stink."

“Attacked by a robot.”

“Drank pot tea.” This person drank some tea infused with marijuana, and felt intoxicated. Perfectly reasonable reason to come to the ER... one might think if they were high.

“Wants pregnancy test.” This is pretty much an every day thing. I don’t know what type of propoganda these people are being exposed to, but they seem to think that the urine test at the hospital is far superior to the one at the drug or dollar store. Or they just don’t feel like paying for a test. At the least, I can appreciate the women who tell you that is what they are coming in for, rather than the others who pretend that they have lower abdominal pain so that they get a pregnancy test, and then elope after they’ve heard the result. Ugh.

“Contractions. Not pregnant.” I mean... whatever.

“Maybe pregnant in my thyroid.”

“Exhausted, poor.”

“Shortness of breath, broken tooth, ankle pain.” One stop shopping! If the person had tripped, sprained their ankle, subsequently breaking their tooth, causing them to aspirate their tooth and partially block an airway, leading to shortness of breath... fine. But do you think that was the case? No. No, it was not.

“Ran out of percocet.” This one is my absolute favorite. These people are the worst. Don’t come in when I’m working, because I’m not your drug dealer. Call ahead, save yourself a trip.

“Chest pain and vaginal discharge.”

“STD and chest pain.”

“Clitoris stuck in underwear.”

"I think I broke my c*nt bone."

In between all of these patients, the job of nurses and doctors within the ER is to find the truly sick people, and pay them the attention that they deserve while getting the rest in and out as quickly as possible. And the government chooses to pay us less based on negative ‘care scores’ from these people. I wonder how it would play out on The People’s Court.

Dr. Z: Well, Your Honour, I was in the middle of stabilizing a hypotensive patient with a massive GI bleed. Unfortunately, I was delayed by about 30 minutes, and was unable to immediately attend to the woman who was exposed to rain.
Exposed To Rain Woman: I ain’t less important. I was there first and they didn’t see me first. And then the bathroom was dirty, and they only had ham and cheese sandwiches left when I asked for turkey. And when I left I was exposed to rain again and had to re-register. I should only be charged for one visit.

Sometimes I just want to be Wayne Brady. With my luck, she’d just re-register with neck pain. Blah.