LIAR LIAR

LIAR LIAR​

Every day that I'm at work, somebody is trying to pull one over on me. And when I say somebody, I mean that about a quarter of the patients that I see are trying to feed me some sort of BS in order to get one thing or another. This is the battle that we, as emergency physicians, must face on a daily basis. ​

Some days, the battle is a terrible, frustrating, angering experience that leaves you mentally drained and searching for your He-Man comforter by the end of the day. Let me give you an example: ​

Dr. Z: So what brings you into the hospital today, Mr. 'Obviously On Dope and Reeking of Booze and Cigarettes and Barely Able to Stay Awake While Talking to Me?' 
Patient: Well, I was at work the other day (Lie#1), and I lifted something heavy (Lie#2), and my back has really been hurting me since then. It just gets worse and worse every day! 
Dr. Z: I see. What kind of pain medication have you tried taking at home? 
Patient: My girlfriend (Lie#3) had some left over Percocet (Lie#4) that I tried, and that seemed to work. 
Dr. Z: Uh huh. Okay, well let's do an examination and see what we can find. 
........
Dr. Z: It looks as though it's just a muscle strain. I think that you should be okay to go back to work tomorrow, and I'll prescribe you some good pain medication in the meantime. 
Patient: What are you going to give me, Doc? I'm allergic to Tylenol (Lie#5), I'm allergic to ibupofen (Lie#6), I'm allergic to codeine (Lie#7), and tramadol doesn't work either... (Lie#8)
Dr. Z: Well I see here the last time that you were in the hospital you were treated with ibuprofen and you didn't experience any allergic reactions. Let's try a really strong type of ibuprofen. That should do it! 

Every day. EVERY DAY I have to deal with these people. Sometimes, however, the trickiness is fun, and I don't mind it. Like today, for example. I was taking care of a 21  year old female in a local college Life Sciences program. She was in a room with three of her friends, and all of them were lively, full of smiles, and a nice break from the monotony of a Fast Track shift filled with abscesses and ankle sprains.

Patient: I hurt my ​back during sex a week ago. I think I just pulled it, but I've been having trouble bending over. 
Dr. Z: Well, after my examination, and the type of injury that you described, I agree - it's likely just a muscle strain. I'll make sure to prescribe you something that will take care of the pain, but won't make you drowsy, as I'm sure you've got a lot of studying to do. 
Patient: About that, Doc. I have been in a lot of pain this week, and I haven't really had a chance to... 
Dr. Z: You need a doctor's note? 
Patient: (All of her friends laughing) Yes. 
Dr. Z: What exam did you miss today? 
Patient: Biology. How did you know? 
Dr. Z:  It's hard to believe, I know, but I was once 21 and in university. I lived in a Fraternity - you don't think that I had friends who had this little exercise down to a T? 

Everyone left smiling, laughing, and happier than they were when they got to the hospital - including me. I also got a reminder of how great it was to be 21. Then I remembered my beat up and rusted out 1993 Honda Civic, cramming for midterms, and living on Ramen, and was glad that I was no longer 21.