50 SHADES OF OLD MAN.

50 SHADES OF OLD MAN​

Although I pretty much hate working shifts in urgent care, some days provide a little comic relief to get me through the torture.  

I picked up a chart of an elderly male who was coming to the emergency department for calf pain. These cases are usually very straightforward - does the patient have a deep vein thrombosis (DVT) in their leg or not?​ Open and shut. You don't anticipiate spending much time in the rooms of these patients because they, for the most part, have pretty simple complaints.  I spent quite a bit of time in this gentleman's room today. 

From the moment that I walked into the room, the man had me laughing. 84 years old, wrinkled as all hell, sweet moustache, dressed like he just came off of the set of Mad Men, and enough one-liners to fill a book. I imagine he was the 1940s version of Louis CK.  He tells me that he is a famous magician ("Google me!"), but his wife didn't bring his cards with her so he won't be able to do any tricks for me today. At this point he starts in on his wife... ​

Patient: ​She's still learning how I like her to do things.  From now on she'll always carry a deck of cards in her purse. 
at this point he turns to his left and looks her up and down like he's a starving dog and she's a fresh filet mignon
Patient: You like my wife? Pretty nice, right? She's twenty years younger than me! I met her on Match.com. She was looking for a younger man, but my profile caught her eye. It said, "I'm 84, single, rich, I don't need Viagra, and I can drive at night!" 

Hook. Like. Sinker.

If only I'm half as awesome as him in thirty years, I'll be a happy man. ​ Hell, in ten years.  He didn't have a DVT, and I went back to my terrible day in urgent care, a little more magical than it started.