POOPING IS AWESOME

Tuesday morning. I come into the ER for a 7 am shift, and the first patient that I see is a middle aged lady that has been sitting in the waiting room for ten hours. TEN HOURS. Being a Tuesday morning, this likely occurred for one reason alone - nobody comes to the hospital on the weekend, so they flock to the hospital on Mondays like it's Free Sandwich day. This overloads every aspect of the hospital, from the emergency department to the inpatient floors, and forces most people with very low acuity to wait for hours to be seen. It appears as though this is the case here.

Dr. Z: Hi Patient Waitalot, I'm so sorry for the extended delay in your care. What brings you to the hospital today?
Patient: Well, I was at home yesterday and my legs got all numb and tingly. I couldn't feel them for about 5 minutes, and I was very concerned.
Dr. Z: Well, that does sound concerning, and I understand why you came to the ER. Can you tell me a little more about what you were doing when this happened?
Patient: I'm a little embarassed... but, I was in the bathroom having a bowel movement. It took quite awhile. But when I got up I couldn't feel my legs. It was about five minutes long, and my legs were tingling and numb. I thought that I was having a stroke!
Dr. Z: Hmm.

It was at this point that my higher functioning kicked into high gear, and I relied on my vast medical knowledge to help me find a solution. I recalled something extraordinary that allowed me to crack this case: ESPN - The Magazine. It's got a special spot next to my toilet. And I have experienced these symptoms. Many, many times.

Dr. Z: Ma'am. When you were on the toilet, were you reading?
Patient: Yes I was. I was reading a novel.
Dr. Z: And when you were reading, were you leaning forward and resting your elbows on your knees?
Patient: Yes I was.
Dr. Z: Let me tell you about what I think happened.

This lady waited for ten hours, so that I could tell her that she experienced paresthesias secondary to the pressure that she was applying to her knees. Or, more simply, she shouldn't lean on her knees when she drops the kids off at the pool*.